Worship, Create, Dream

Be free to Worship God. Create with abandonement because He is the Creator. Let's discover our Dreams together.


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Hope and Freedom to Share

TO LIVE SURROUNDED DAY BY DAY  FILLED WITH AGONY, FEAR AND ANXIETY.

THAT IS NOT GOD’S HEART FOR ME, FOR YOU!

Loneliness encircling its victim like a snake, squeezing tighter and tighter, til breathing becomes difficult. Air fights  just to move in and out.

This describes what my poor husband put up with from me before April 7-8.  I don’t  suffer from anxiety or panic attacks. This was a battle inside screaming at simple and difficult tasks:  “Why can’t I do this?”

I labelled not my worth as a writer to be no good.  My walk with Jesus, I saw to be sub-par, under the table, less than.

What Happened?

How does one in love with Jesus become depressed? How does one who knows the facts of His marvelous love become trapped in a downhill slide to yucky muck?

 I became consumed!

I became consumed with the trappings  of trying accomplish a certain goal. Every waking moment  was spent on  how to answer, unanswerable problems. My mind constantly went there instead of to my intimate walk with Jesus.

I  read my bible, a good assignment to check off.  The problem was, the words got stuck as in a pipe. Going in, but not going all the way through to my heart.

What was Jesus saying About ME personally?  What was He  trying to say To Me personally?

                         ????

I became  empty. A shell. I began hoping a flowing  connection would happen by getting it right  in “doing  the shoulds”.

The snake kept choking tighter and tighter.

God is so gracious and faithful. Even though I was not trusting in His love for me, God did not make me feel “less than” when I could not hear Him. Instead, He kept wooing  me. God knew the gifts He put inside me. He knew the junk I needed to release to Him.IMG_0914IMG_3981

glory of the Lord

Another quote from Margaret Fenberg (FLOURISH)1

Cast your cares on him, share your deepest fears and you’ll soon discover:

The crux of uncertainty is the very place God wants to meet you.

Finally I heard God  say, “Sandi I have your back. Release your burdens to me. I have called you to be YOU. Come and dance in My Kingdom”

God showed me the   fear tearing  into my heart,  my worship, my creativity, ME came from COMPARING. I lost my joy as I saw  work, service, and actions of others as the goal I must achieve to be accepted by others. By God.

Engaging in the Kingdom (#eitk 2017) was a women’s  conference held at our church.  (April 7-8),  Jan Strout,  shared an exciting picture.  God was mixing an unique blend of wine for EACH one of us. Some red, some white and some a blend.

Jesus is enough.

 Jesus is pouring this unique wine into His daughters. It cannot be copied. It will be poured in and it will flow out it’s own special, crazy, individual, radical way.

I cannot share when I compare.

How often do you allow the enemy to use the big ‘C’ to absolutely corrupt God’s special outpouring into you, through you?  It comes  through obvious or subtle forms. Words  causing you to feel you are not living up to certain spiritual standards. Ministries  or creative gifting that are flying where yours seem to flop around as a fish dry land.

1-3 God is a safe place to hide,

   ready to help when we need him.

                            Ps 46   MSG

Jesus shed His blood  to destroy those death beating blows against us. He is Hope and Freedom.

The Father is with me. I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”  

                                      John 16:32-33 MSG

Renew your mind in the truth of Jesus Love in you, for You.

What are  the wonderful gifts God is flooding His world in and through you? Don’t be shy. Writing, Photography, Hospitality, Friendship? Maybe you don’t consider what you even have is anything special.  I am interested.  We can explore together.

Take God’s hand and walk in  Hope and Freedom with Him to be the explosive wonderful expressive person He created you to be.

 Be

Free

To

Worship

As

You

Were

Created!


1Margaret Feinberg,  FLOURISH  Live Loved, Live Fearless, Live Free.  ©2016 , p33

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Hitting a Wall on the Journey

This is not a normal post. It is  more on the reflective side. On my writing journey, I hit a wall.  I had to  cope with Wifi failure  and then a total loss of a laptop. I had no place to express my thoughts or share stories through my camera.

I discovered something  not only about my writing, but life as well. May you receive a tidbit or two to help in your walk.

I finally have a new laptop. So how am I spending my time? Staring out the bay window in my livingroom, with my fingers laying gently on the keyboard.  I see green leaves flowing back and forth or cute chickadees  pecking at the feeder.  They  aren’t looking  back at me  with a taunting smirk saying “ you can’t do this creative thing anymore”.

 

 

 

I am disheartened with a  lack of brilliant creativity.

In July, power outage left our city and the surrounding areas without WiFi. Considering the laptop as my main form of communicating, I was mad . How do I flow, how do I relate what is in my heart to others.?  Words are hand written on a journal page, but I have absolutely no means to share them.  Photos taken must stay in the camera.

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The eventual return of power to our area brought  a mere week of computer engagement.   One morning, my H.P.  went blank. Another fifteen days  without a flow to express my thoughts fluidly.  Photos still had no where to go.

Those fifteen days were cruel. The following  is a quote from my journal reflecting a discouraging thought.

               There is something about wanting another to be blessed in, by and through my experiences.  Plus the frustration of not being able to write as fast as my thoughts create is maddening.

 

There were benefits to these computer-less days:

  1. I finished Annie Dillard’s book –THE WRITING LIFE
  2. I am teaching a class (Creating a Worship Journal), so I had time to create a new book.
  3. I finished dish cloths for a project in our yarn group.
  4. I started Ursala Le Guin’s STEERING the CRAFT  a 21st-century guide to sailing the sea of story.


I am in the process of climbing to the top of the wall.  What might God  want me to learn in this adventure and share with you?

I was blessed with an understanding soul who nodded sympathetically  when I shared my dilemma. She too is a blogger. She knows sharing and writing is important.

The technique you enjoy is the technique that is part of you. I have come to enjoy the computer and the free flow of typing. I enjoy  seeing the words on a screen as I think of them. To hear  the click clack on the keyboard is delightful.    And that is OK.. That is good.

Do not feel as though you need to apologize for your technique?

Dare I say this could describe your walk with God? Do you question the flow, the worship, the walk,  He has given to you just because it seems a bit different than the rest?

Annie Dillard in THE WRITING LIFE  comments:

” The secret is not to write about what you love best but what you alone love at all.”

 

Lamentations 3

It’s a Good Thing to Hope for Help from God

19-26

19-21
I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there’s one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

22-24
God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out,
his merciful love couldn’t have dried up.
They’re created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He’s all I’ve got left.

25-26
God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It’s a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.

 

I waited, I wrote in my journal long hand and  quietly hoped for help from God. I am not sure I always waited quietly, but God is all I have to  meet my deepest needs.

He is the One who has set me on this journey. He provides the inner Worship of what I alone can give back to Him.

Another quote from Annie Dillard’s book.

“One of the things I know about writing is this: spend it all, shoot it, play it, lose it, all, right away, every time. Do not hoard what seems good for a later place in the book or for another book; give it, give it all, give it now. The impulse to save something good for a better place later is the signal to spend it now. Something more will arise for later, something better. These things fill from behind, from beneath, like well water. Similarly, the impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes.” Annie Dillard, The Writing Life

God has many things for me to share.  He provided a computer to express those thoughts.  He also embraced me with His encouragement. Go and express. The wall I hit was not enjoyable, but as I look  forward to see what God wants me to learn, climbing to the top is crazy good.

Continue to Worship and Create. God will give you His Dreams .

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‾The photo of the fallen tree is not in front of my house.This is used with permission.


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Leah’s Pain Leah’s Gain

 

Life is terribly unpredictable.  Don’t you agree?  We come into this world with a clean slate. Nothing written on any page. Feelings of expectation, wonder and  amazement circling inside. If surrounded by friends, family, and relatives where this vision is not only understood, but encouraged, the life we walk out can be filled with  beauty and joy.

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What if that is not the case? What if as the years begin to form in front of you, life takes turns in ways  you didn’t expect? Circumstances happen you do not ask for.

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Walk a bit with Leah from the Old Testament.

Widowed Laban is a shepherd with two daughters,  Dull-eyed Leah and Drop Dead Gorgeous Rachel. Of course Laban welcomes Jacob into their family with open arms. A kinsman, strong, hard working, and completely taken with Rachel, the youngest.  Laban knows he gains a great prize with Jacob as a laborer and son-in-law. One day as the sheep are grazing,  Laban’s brown eyes scans the horizon. His hand strokes the graying beard as he ponders how to solve a dilemma.

   I have two daughters. Jacob is taken with my youngest, but the law requires the eldest wed first. Laban snaps his fingers as an idea pops into his head.   That’s it.  That is exactly what  I will do.

Very pleased with himself, Laban returns to his sheep as the sun is departing  the sky.

After seven years of hard service the chosen day arrives. The celebration is beyond expectations. The wine flows freely. Men slap one another heartily on the back, shouting salutations for Jacob and his bride. Laban’s voice booms over everyone.  Jacob drinks with no limits looking forward to spending an intense wedding week with the love of his life.

Finally, in a  drunken stupor the men make their way to the special tent. Swaying and singing loudly Laban and Jacob lean on each other. Other men from the party assist these two making sure Jacob makes it to his destination. Pushing back the heavy drapes of the opening,   Jacob’s blurry eyes behold his intended.

Shyly waiting for her husband is a woman, completely hidden beneath  her beautiful wedding attire. Modesty and custom requires her entire body  covered until the couple are fully husband and wife.

A halfhearted  blessing from the inebriated father gives the official permission for the matrimonial ceremony to begin. Laban swaggers from the tent.  The consummation takes place.  Jacob turns over pleased. Exhausted  from too much wine, he quickly falls asleep. Leah weeps softly into the pillows while Jacob snore.

The sun rises. A beautiful day begins. Fluffy clouds float across the sky. Faint sounds  of bleating sheep heading to the hillside for food and drink can be heard.   Jacob stretches, turning slowly  expecting to look into the deep brown eyes of Rachel.  Instead, the milky complexion and watery eyes of Leah meets his surprised glare.  Jacob grabs his tunic, angrily leaving the tent in search of Laban.
Empty of heart and mind,  Leah sits up . The look of utter disappointment on  Jacob’s face  discovering last night’s companion is not the delight of his life but rather the dull eyed Leah tears her apart. Rejection, fear of being hated, Pain.

Leah views the remains of what took place the night before. Normally, ruffled sheets the morning after a wedding night bring a smile or at least a giggle. To Leah  misery, thoughts of deceit and being used are all she sees. Leah feels pain. Her response is normal Leah. She ex changes her wedding clothes for a work tunic to tidy up the tent.
LABAN”, Jacob roars  as he sweeps through the camp. The entire hillside hears this booming voice. “We NEED TO TALK- NOW”.
The verbal explosion causes Jacob to remember the amount of wine he had the previous evening as he grabs his aching head.

Laban solves his “problem” by deceiving  Jacob into marrying Leah first following the seven years of work.  After concluding the required wedding week ceremony, Jacob could marry Rachel. Laban’s stipulation is another seven years of service from Jacob. Everyone wins . Laban gets seven more years of work from Jacob.  Jacob marries Rachel anyway.  Rachel gets married to the man she loves.

 

Wait a minute!!! Everyone wins?  What about Leah?  Leah really loves Jacob. Isn’t she worth his love? It  is not her fault she was born below par compared to her sister. It was not her fault her own father uses deception to gain labor from Jacob just to get her married off.

With the pain of rejection, comparison, use in deception, Leah probably wondered what the value of her life could be in the first place.?

Have you ever felt everything in the world so unjust that you cried out to God : PLEASE, CHANGE MY LIFE! CHANGE ME!!!

Does it seem as though God completely forgot about this woman? Do you think He has forgotten about you?

No-God has created all of us with a wonderful purpose in mind.

My next blog will answer  how Leah’s hopes and dreams were answered.

What the world labels “imperfection” comes perfection.

Feel free to leave a comment.