WILL YOU TRUST ME?
This a question most born again Christians want to automatically answer with a resounding:
A war battling inside and out may cause a tremendous tug on our body, soul and mind making that inquiry loom to the heights of Mt. Everest. If you cannot look anyone in the eye for fear of breaking into tears, the isolation takes the mountain and multiplies it many times the size it was before.
How often do we even acknowledge this internal agony bearing down inside and around us? If you have read my previous blogs, you know comparison is a bully, trying to tear down the joy of who I am in Jesus. This ugly cloaked beast recently uncovered itself and attacked. The pain was ……
I recently returned from an exciting, challenging road trip with my daughter. This post deals with the inner war that took place shortly after coming home. I share this experience with you for one purpose. To encourage all believers who “walk through the valley of the shadow of death”.
How did it happen? I can’t say. I can point to words I heard. They pulled at my insides until finally I snapped. It wasn’t just the words though. I started to add “this to that”, “what I do and don’t do”, “what I can and cannot do”
I was in darkness. I saw no future. I felt pain from my past. My birthday coming in a few days simply added to the feelings “I am so useless”.
I can point to the main lying phrase which caused my breathing to come in small, short, stints:
“You are not good enough” !
I stayed in our library, using box after box of tissues, wondering why I was in such torment. At that point, I firmly decided I would not be leaving the house the rest of that weekend, other than as a silent passenger in the car Anything else was beyond my capabilities.
I questioned: Am I going to be this way for the rest of my life?
In the midst of this confusion, I sensed a soft gentle breeze. God’s presence. Not an “I AM WITH YOU”, overly loud voice from the scriptures. Rather a soft whisper, “i am with you and i will never leave you.”
I experienced a respect-filled love from my God, my Papa. I felt His compassionate Presence very close to me. He could have taken my hand, but I was too bruised to be touched. Every once in awhile, I felt a slight touch which made me aware of His love and presence. The Creator knew my needs. He was never intrusive, never invasive.
Sunday morning brought a sliver of possibly riding in the car to church. My husband and son were volunteering for the first service. Still not wanting to talk to anyone, I would wait in the car til the second service. My husband left the keys to our car and suggested if I decided I was ready to go at all, I could drive and meet them for the second one.
I did not feel as though God was expecting anything. He was not saying “You can do all things because of who you are in Me.” Rather the gentle love extended to me was a hand knowing my needs saying:
“I think We can do this. Will you trust me?”
I did not feel shame or pushed. I did not feel as though it was something I “should” do. I truly felt the choice was mine. Even though that was the case:
I was not doing this by myself. I did not walk alone.
I (We) got behind the wheel. I (We) drove to church. I (We) walked through the doors.
Little by little God has taken my hand. I presently see life through a different lens.
The questions, pain and emptiness which erupted over that weekend have not been totally answered or dealt with. 😕 They are just not screaming louder than God’s love for me. Right now I can breathe.
I would like to give you the gift God gave to me. His wonderful love allowed me to walk through the weekend without expectations how I was to perform. I was ugly. I was not pleasant. I needed to be alone. God did not leave me. His touch was unique to my need.
We are all very unique. With that in mind, how do now I approach the attack:
YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH?
Is that even a statement to consider? God gave His Son for me. In receiving this precious gift, the relation between God and me is totally free to be everything it was meant to be. In Jesus, I am free to love, free to create, free to worship, free to live as God created me to be.
God gently takes my hand into His. We will walk the path where He leads me.
Reach out and take God’s hand. Where is He leading you? Will you trust Him?
It is not always easy to walk this path, but God is not calling us to walk it alone. He is always with us even when the feelings are not there. Be honest. If you have questions or comments, come and share them with me. We are on this path together.