Worship, Create, Dream

Be free to Worship God. Create with abandonement because He is the Creator. Let's discover our Dreams together.


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WILL YOU TRUST ME?

 

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WILL YOU TRUST ME?

This a question most born again Christians want to automatically answer with a resounding:

OF COURSE!

 

A war battling inside and out may cause a tremendous tug on our body, soul  and mind making that inquiry loom to the heights of  Mt. Everest. If you cannot look anyone in the eye for fear of breaking into tears, the isolation takes the mountain and multiplies it many times the size it was before.

 

How often do we even acknowledge this internal agony bearing down inside and around us? If you have read my previous  blogs, you know comparison is a bully, trying to tear down the joy of who I am in Jesus. This ugly cloaked  beast recently uncovered itself and attacked.  The pain was ……
I recently returned from an exciting, challenging road trip with my daughter.  This post deals with the inner war that took place shortly after coming home.  I share  this experience with you for one purpose. To encourage all believers who “walk through the valley of the shadow of  death”.

How did it happen? I can’t say. I can point to words I heard. They pulled at my insides until finally I snapped. It wasn’t just the words though. I started to add “this to that”, “what I do and don’t do”, “what I can and cannot do”

I was in darkness. I saw no future. I felt pain from my past. My birthday coming in a few days simply added to the feelings “I am so useless”.

 

I can point to the main lying phrase which caused my breathing to come in small, short, stints:

“You are not good enough” !

I stayed  in our library,  using box after box of tissues, wondering why I was in such torment. At that point,  I firmly decided I would not be leaving  the house the rest of that weekend,  other than as a silent passenger in the car  Anything else was beyond my capabilities.

I questioned:  Am I going to be this way for the rest of my life?

 

In the midst of this confusion,  I sensed a soft gentle breeze.  God’s presence. Not an “I AM WITH YOU”,  overly loud voice from the scriptures.  Rather a soft whisper, “i am with you and i will never leave you.”
I experienced a respect-filled love from my God, my Papa. I felt His compassionate Presence very close to me. He could have taken my hand,  but I was too bruised to be touched. Every once in awhile, I felt a slight touch which made me aware of His love and presence. The Creator knew my needs.  He was never intrusive, never invasive.

Sunday morning brought a sliver of possibly riding in the car to church.  My husband and son were volunteering for the first service.  Still not wanting to talk to anyone, I would wait in the car til the second service.   My husband left the keys to our car and suggested if I decided I was ready to go at all, I could drive and meet them for the second one.

I did not feel as though God was expecting anything. He was not saying “You can do all things because of who you are in Me.”  Rather the gentle love extended to me was a hand knowing my needs saying:

“I think We can do this. Will you trust me?”

 

I did not feel shame or pushed. I did not feel as though it was something I “should” do. I truly felt the choice was mine. Even though that was the case:

I was not doing this by myself. I did not walk alone.

 

I (We) got behind the wheel. I (We) drove to church. I (We) walked through the doors.

 

Little by little God has taken my hand. I presently see life through a different lens.

The questions, pain and emptiness which erupted over that weekend have not been totally answered or dealt with. 😕  They are just not screaming louder than God’s love for me. Right now I can breathe.

I would like to give you the gift God gave to me. His wonderful love allowed me to walk through the weekend without expectations how I was to perform. I was ugly. I was not pleasant. I needed to be alone. God did not leave me. His touch was unique to my need.

 

We are all very unique. With that in mind, how do now I approach the attack:

   YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

Is that even a statement  to consider?   God gave His Son for me.  In receiving this precious gift, the relation between God and me is totally free to be everything it was meant to be. In Jesus, I am free to love, free to create, free to worship, free to live as God created me to be.

God gently takes my hand into His. We will walk the path where He leads me.

Jpeg

Reach out  and take God’s hand. Where is He leading you? Will you trust Him?

What can I say

It is not always easy to walk this path, but God is not calling us to walk it alone. He is always with us even when the feelings are not there. Be honest.  If you have questions or comments, come and share them with me. We are on this path together.

Be

Free

To

Worship

As

You

Were

Created!


2 Comments

Hope and Freedom to Share

TO LIVE SURROUNDED DAY BY DAY  FILLED WITH AGONY, FEAR AND ANXIETY.

THAT IS NOT GOD’S HEART FOR ME, FOR YOU!

Loneliness encircling its victim like a snake, squeezing tighter and tighter, til breathing becomes difficult. Air fights  just to move in and out.

This describes what my poor husband put up with from me before April 7-8.  I don’t  suffer from anxiety or panic attacks. This was a battle inside screaming at simple and difficult tasks:  “Why can’t I do this?”

I labelled not my worth as a writer to be no good.  My walk with Jesus, I saw to be sub-par, under the table, less than.

What Happened?

How does one in love with Jesus become depressed? How does one who knows the facts of His marvelous love become trapped in a downhill slide to yucky muck?

 I became consumed!

I became consumed with the trappings  of trying accomplish a certain goal. Every waking moment  was spent on  how to answer, unanswerable problems. My mind constantly went there instead of to my intimate walk with Jesus.

I  read my bible, a good assignment to check off.  The problem was, the words got stuck as in a pipe. Going in, but not going all the way through to my heart.

What was Jesus saying About ME personally?  What was He  trying to say To Me personally?

                         ????

I became  empty. A shell. I began hoping a flowing  connection would happen by getting it right  in “doing  the shoulds”.

The snake kept choking tighter and tighter.

God is so gracious and faithful. Even though I was not trusting in His love for me, God did not make me feel “less than” when I could not hear Him. Instead, He kept wooing  me. God knew the gifts He put inside me. He knew the junk I needed to release to Him.IMG_0914IMG_3981

glory of the Lord

Another quote from Margaret Fenberg (FLOURISH)1

Cast your cares on him, share your deepest fears and you’ll soon discover:

The crux of uncertainty is the very place God wants to meet you.

Finally I heard God  say, “Sandi I have your back. Release your burdens to me. I have called you to be YOU. Come and dance in My Kingdom”

God showed me the   fear tearing  into my heart,  my worship, my creativity, ME came from COMPARING. I lost my joy as I saw  work, service, and actions of others as the goal I must achieve to be accepted by others. By God.

Engaging in the Kingdom (#eitk 2017) was a women’s  conference held at our church.  (April 7-8),  Jan Strout,  shared an exciting picture.  God was mixing an unique blend of wine for EACH one of us. Some red, some white and some a blend.

Jesus is enough.

 Jesus is pouring this unique wine into His daughters. It cannot be copied. It will be poured in and it will flow out it’s own special, crazy, individual, radical way.

I cannot share when I compare.

How often do you allow the enemy to use the big ‘C’ to absolutely corrupt God’s special outpouring into you, through you?  It comes  through obvious or subtle forms. Words  causing you to feel you are not living up to certain spiritual standards. Ministries  or creative gifting that are flying where yours seem to flop around as a fish dry land.

1-3 God is a safe place to hide,

   ready to help when we need him.

                            Ps 46   MSG

Jesus shed His blood  to destroy those death beating blows against us. He is Hope and Freedom.

The Father is with me. I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”  

                                      John 16:32-33 MSG

Renew your mind in the truth of Jesus Love in you, for You.

What are  the wonderful gifts God is flooding His world in and through you? Don’t be shy. Writing, Photography, Hospitality, Friendship? Maybe you don’t consider what you even have is anything special.  I am interested.  We can explore together.

Take God’s hand and walk in  Hope and Freedom with Him to be the explosive wonderful expressive person He created you to be.

 Be

Free

To

Worship

As

You

Were

Created!


1Margaret Feinberg,  FLOURISH  Live Loved, Live Fearless, Live Free.  ©2016 , p33

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