TO LIVE SURROUNDED DAY BY DAY FILLED WITH AGONY, FEAR AND ANXIETY.
THAT IS NOT GOD’S HEART FOR ME, FOR YOU!
Loneliness encircling its victim like a snake, squeezing tighter and tighter, til breathing becomes difficult. Air fights just to move in and out.
This describes what my poor husband put up with from me before April 7-8. I don’t suffer from anxiety or panic attacks. This was a battle inside screaming at simple and difficult tasks: “Why can’t I do this?”
I labelled not my worth as a writer to be no good. My walk with Jesus, I saw to be sub-par, under the table, less than.
How does one in love with Jesus become depressed? How does one who knows the facts of His marvelous love become trapped in a downhill slide to yucky muck?
I became consumed!
I became consumed with the trappings of trying accomplish a certain goal. Every waking moment was spent on how to answer, unanswerable problems. My mind constantly went there instead of to my intimate walk with Jesus.
I read my bible, a good assignment to check off. The problem was, the words got stuck as in a pipe. Going in, but not going all the way through to my heart.
What was Jesus saying About ME personally? What was He trying to say To Me personally?
I became empty. A shell. I began hoping a flowing connection would happen by getting it right in “doing the shoulds”.
The snake kept choking tighter and tighter.
God is so gracious and faithful. Even though I was not trusting in His love for me, God did not make me feel “less than” when I could not hear Him. Instead, He kept wooing me. God knew the gifts He put inside me. He knew the junk I needed to release to Him.
Another quote from Margaret Fenberg (FLOURISH)1
Cast your cares on him, share your deepest fears and you’ll soon discover:
The crux of uncertainty is the very place God wants to meet you.
Finally I heard God say, “Sandi I have your back. Release your burdens to me. I have called you to be YOU. Come and dance in My Kingdom”
God showed me the fear tearing into my heart, my worship, my creativity, ME came from COMPARING. I lost my joy as I saw work, service, and actions of others as the goal I must achieve to be accepted by others. By God.
Engaging in the Kingdom (#eitk 2017) was a women’s conference held at our church. (April 7-8), Jan Strout, shared an exciting picture. God was mixing an unique blend of wine for EACH one of us. Some red, some white and some a blend.
Jesus is enough.
Jesus is pouring this unique wine into His daughters. It cannot be copied. It will be poured in and it will flow out it’s own special, crazy, individual, radical way.
I cannot share when I compare.
How often do you allow the enemy to use the big ‘C’ to absolutely corrupt God’s special outpouring into you, through you? It comes through obvious or subtle forms. Words causing you to feel you are not living up to certain spiritual standards. Ministries or creative gifting that are flying where yours seem to flop around as a fish dry land.
1-3 God is a safe place to hide,
ready to help when we need him.
Ps 46 MSG
Jesus shed His blood to destroy those death beating blows against us. He is Hope and Freedom.
The Father is with me. I’ve told you all this so that trusting me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”
John 16:32-33 MSG
Renew your mind in the truth of Jesus Love in you, for You.
What are the wonderful gifts God is flooding His world in and through you? Don’t be shy. Writing, Photography, Hospitality, Friendship? Maybe you don’t consider what you even have is anything special. I am interested. We can explore together.
Take God’s hand and walk in Hope and Freedom with Him to be the explosive wonderful expressive person He created you to be.
1Margaret Feinberg, FLOURISH Live Loved, Live Fearless, Live Free. ©2016 , p33
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