At the end of July, I turn sixty-one!!!!.
For me that is a scary proposal. Walking through doors that have never been opened before. Yes at times, it causes a bit of anxiety. ( Senior citizen labels come upon me as I can now qualify for certain discounts. My last child graduated from high school. No turning back from this stage.) I have gone from working and unmarried to married and working to married and being a stay at home mom. This final stage has lasted the last 18 years. As I mentioned before, that job filled my life with ride-sharing to school, making lunches, co-coordinating school schedules for two students. Helping memorize speeches for contests, going to basketball games etc. Still being a part of my daughter’s life as she went to college here in Duluth and watching her graduate. Now my son has graduated from high school and my daughter is in Sicily.
I am looking at my present story through a fog or mist asking a question: What do you want me to do now Lord?
I have days where the air is clear and mind has free direction. My days are basically empty of the aforementioned requirements so therefore I can fly to new heights of adventures.
Suddenly, I crash to the reality of barriers and questions that surround me. The free time can look as much as a fearful space to fill in a positive manner or an abundant gift and blessing .
Creativity and Worship
I am seeking the expression of “me”. I have been surrounded in raising children for such a long time that this sudden freedom at my age, is internally and mentally challenging. Ladies I know I am not the only one who experiences searching a deeper expression of themselves and God in their walk.
I will go back to the previous question. What is causing the barrier for me?
FEAR~~~~~ Fear to step out and take risks. Fear to give myself permission to do what it takes to express and experience the depth, breadth and width of what it takes to walk through this door.
There are possibly some reasonable cautions that stop me at the door. My mind is not as quick. I am not driving as much as I use to so transportation is a challenge to overcome. Exciting adventures to others have small but physical challenges to me. Not so much fun anymore.
When I was younger, looking the fool was not so terrible. I would laugh. Now it is hard for me to try new things in the fear of failure. Having grace for myself has somehow slipped away.
If I have trouble having grace for myself, will others have grace for me, or will I see disgust or worse —pity? I am not that old.
My daughter Anna is receiving and giving a great life lesson. She is in Sicily working with an organization called OneHope /Cultivate.
Preconceptions she had concerning her ministry are getting revamped. Anna was willing to take a risk. From her risk taking and willingness to learn, others are receiving abundant gifts of love. (https://acker197.wordpress.com/2015/07/01/weeks-three-four-muffins-details-conversations)
Am I willing to take the risks open to me now?
Fear rears its head to point out what I cannot do. Fear comes out to say I do not have the ability, money, mental capacity needed to explore the creative ventures I want to pursue. It is beyond me. Give up.
After I am quiet, and tears are shed, I listen to the still small voice in my head that calls to the deeper desire in my heart to express what is inside. I look to what can be done.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
The days I walk in the mist are filled with tears. God does not leave me. His hand is always taking mine. At times we stand still and He just holds me because I do not know where to move. That is OK. I smile at the patience He has with me.
The encouragement that I want to leave today is: do not stop dreaming- take your medium. Release from the depths, the freedom of His life you have been given. Take classes and study to get better knowledge of your creative tools. Do not allow your fear to define you. Do not allow the outside to put barriers on you. (age, fear, negativity, time, preconceptions ). Seek what God wants to say as He draws it out. Worship!!!
Join me in this process of exploration and discovery (writing, creating, photography, worship, being).
If you are at this stage of discovery, feel free to share a comment on how you have learned to walk through the door. If you can identify in any way, express a piece of encouragement or post a question. 🙂
Bless Him. Keep Creating.